Confidence: An inside out approach

Imagine you woke up this morning and had no expectations of yourself. No standard you had to live up to. How would that feel? In my humble opinion, people demand so much of themselves that their confidence suffers. In a given day, we demand ourselves to look prettier, feel fitter, walk taller, talk with more charisma, work more productively, and even be funnier. Is it any wonder we doubt ourselves?

I have read many pieces of work in the past that focus on visualising, practising, self-hypnosis and many other techniques for dealing with confidence. I think these methods complicate what is really a societal issue: we can’t live up to our own expectations.

My solution is simple: lower the pressure you put on yourself. Rather than trying to trick your mind to feel confident in particular situations, simply let go of the expectation to be perfect. Another words, find comfort in failure.

The irony of all this of course is that you will likely succeed in your endeavours. By removing the pressure you put on yourself, your mind is clear on what it wants to achieve. Stress is a wasted emotion.
Zero Expectation

To have no expectation at all is admittedly an odd state for a goal-oriented being. Though the absence of expectation makes the achievement of the goal so much more fluid. Here’s a real life example that illustrates this point, imagine you are in a coffee shop with a friend. You order a cup of coffee at the bar and need to carry the cup of coffee on a saucer from the bar to your table. If you stare at the cup and think to yourself “Don’t spill it, don’t spill it, don’t spill it,” what happens? Yes, you’ve spilt it at the last minute. Trained waiters and waitresses know not to focus on the cup, the pressure to not spill it is counterproductive.

The technique of zero expectation also transfers well to sports. As a teenager, I loved playing basketball at school. One of the techniques in the game was to put pressure on someone about to shoot a free throw. By saying things like “Come on… its an easy shot…”, the shooter will pressure themselves into missing it.

Human beings are magnificent creatures, our ability to learn and perform are usually clouded only by our own thoughts. If somebody throws you a ball, your muscles will co-ordinate perfectly to catch it. You do not need to think about every little step - it just happens. Let your life also work with such effortlessness.
Ask “Who cares?”

Who cares if you don’t have a six pack? Who cares if you stutter in your presentation to the boss? Who cares if you ate a chocolate bar while dieting? Who cares if you aren’t as charming as Hugh Grant? The answer of course is nobody… but you. This is the truth. No one else cares. The only standard you are living by is your own, so give yourself a break.

Years ago, as a nervous buffoon, I was encouraged by a friend to approach a pretty waitress in a cafe. After almost an hour of psyching myself up, I decided to take the plunge. Needless to say, it was not one of my finest moments.

Upon completing the walk of shame back towards my friend, he said “Why do you this to yourself? Why do you put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect? You were shaking out there.” My friend was quite popular with the opposite sex and had some advice to offer on the topic. “She doesn’t expect you to charm her like a movie star. The only person in this room who has an unreal expectation of you is you.”

This really did not sink in until a few months later, when I was conversing with my friend’s new date at a party. She said the quality she most loved about him: “He’s comfortable in his own skin. He likes who is and doesn’t worry about what he isn’t.” So perfectly put, those words were etched into my brain and would soon become the philosophy I live my life by.

You see, by not expecting so much of himself, he was automatically confident with who he is. Confidence is simply the failure to live up to an unreal expectation, an expectation that is held by you alone.
A level playing field

For those of you familiar with my other articles (notably: The Stigma of Corporate Prestige), you will know that I favour equality of all people. This world is a level playing field to me, I do not consider myself superior or inferior to anybody else. Money, education, occupation and reputation do not hold a personal value to me. They are simply achievements, not personable characteristics. There are a few personal traits I dearly admire: giving, kindness, respectfulness and sympathy - lucky these are unifying things we can all share, regardless of money.

I often ask myself why people are nervous around celebrities, politicians and even their senior managers. Do we value ourselves so poorly that a prominent figure can make us shake in our boots? I remember a young woman in my previous employment who had feelings towards another employee, but felt “he was too good” for her. Why?

We are born equal. Somewhere along the line, we question our value, and even worse - feel superiority over somebody else. Whether we like it or not, when engaging conversation with another person, this attitude can have a destructive affect on our confidence. Our connection with someone blossoms at its peak when there is a feeling of equality. This is typically why our culture is most comfortable when engaging conversation with people in the same “class”. This is a limiting behaviour that you don’t have to subscribe to.

When engaging in conversation with a stranger, whether romantically, professionally or simply personally, balance their personal value with yours - no more, no less. You will be surprised how much more comfortable you feel at this equilibrium. It is the difference between speaking to your CEO and speaking with a good friend. Your confidence depends on you, do not question your value and your contribution relative to others. We are all equal, we all contribute in our own way, and we should start acting like it.
Confidence in Conversation:

Confidence and conversation go hand in hand, especially when talking with a stranger. The expectation usually connected with conversation is fear of rejection. Rejection is not uniquely linked to romance, this fear manifests itself in even the most unromantic of corporate environments. We want to be funny, to sound intelligent and informed. All of this pressure usually has the opposite affect.

The trick is to just be you - and to be happy with that! Be comfortable in your own skin. You don’t need to perfect, you’re who you are and that’s fine. When engaging in conversation with someone you don’t know personally, ignore the fancy suit, job title, the fact that they’re middle or upper class. You are a person, and they are one too. You will only feel nervous if you feel you have something to prove, an image to live up to. You are on equal playing field, so talk like you would with a good friend.

We often associate confidence with a set of behavioural traits. In fact, confidence is simply being happy with who you are. The behaviours tag along naturally as a by-product.
Why no step-by-step guide?

I did not want to write a “5 Steps to Peak Confidence” type of article for you. I sometimes find this form of simplification patronising. Our world is a little more complicated than that. Though I offer you only one piece of advice: You are as important and as unimportant as everyone else. You do not need to perfect, you do not need to be super-productive, nor do you need to be beautiful. These are false and unnecessary expectations we apply to ourselves. If you are alive today, then all necessary qualifications have been met.

Confidence can not be fixed with a step-by-step approach, you simply need to learn to accept yourself. Let go of unrealistic expectations in your life, see humanity as equals, and remind yourself that no one else but you cares about the outcome. I have found that this attitude often creates a feeling of confidence in me. I hope that it does the same for you.

In an effort to learn more about you, I would love any feedback or techniques you have used in your life for creating a feeling of confidence.

Jay Morrissey
http://www.jaymorrissey.com/